Recognize & Return: When Old Patterns Still Linger

I had a coaching session recently about an upcoming book signing event I’m having. It should have felt like pure celebration. Instead, something old was lurking.

When I started talking about the event, I noticed this feeling: I feel bad that people are going to come support me.

It didn’t make logical sense. I know my work matters. I know my book helps people. I know this event is meaningful. And yet, there it was. That old feeling of guilt when people take time for me.

So I started tracing it back, like I do in all my work. Where does this come from?

The dinner table

I traced it back (because that’s what we do) and landed on a dinner table in high school. I told my family I didn’t believe in the Catholic faith anymore. My mom’s reaction made it clear this truth wasn’t welcome in our home.

But worse than her reaction was what didn’t happen: nobody created safety around what I’d just said.

When we go through difficult moments like this alone—without someone there to witness us, to say it’s okay—it changes us. Trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk’s work shows us why: we need that protection, that safety, that someone to create a bridge between us and what happened. Without it, the wound goes deeper.

So in that moment, I learned something that would shape decades: my truth is not ok. And nobody is going to make it safe.

From there, I learned to make myself smaller. Quieter. Less visible. If I wasn’t so present, if I didn’t take up too much space, maybe I wouldn’t create that kind of discomfort again.

Decades later, here I was with a book about inner knowing and self-trust, still carrying that learned pattern. And it was showing up in an unexpected place: feeling bad when people wanted to celebrate me. Feeling guilty taking up their time and attention for something about me.

The bridge

The breakthrough real in the coaching session came when I named exactly what was happening: I don’t like taking up space and time.

That phrase held it all. It was the old pattern, but it was also the bridge to the new. Because what I’m learning now—what all of my self-abandonment work has been pointing toward—is that taking up space and time isn’t selfish or wrong or something to apologize for. It’s my birthright. It’s saying: my presence matters. My work matters. I’m allowed to be celebrated.

So the bridge became clear: the same belief that kept me small in the old way is the exact belief I need to transform into my new way of thinking. Taking up space went from something to hide to something to claim.

The new way

After unpacking all of this and tracing it back to its roots, I asked myself: What do I want to feel instead?

The answer was simple but profound. As it relates to my book signing event:

→ Old: I feel bad that people are going to come support me.
→ New: I feel good that people are going to come support me.

A small yet powerful change in thinking.

This new way feels true to who I’m becoming. It aligns with my book’s core message about trusting yourself and honoring your knowing. It aligns with everything I teach about self-loyalty.

So I wrote it down. I made it a note to myself for the book signing

✍🏼 I feel good that people are going to come support me. This is who I am now.

But here’s the next thing I didn’t expect to come through in the coaching call: knowing something and believing it aren’t the same as your nervous system settling into it.

When knowing isn’t enough

I can think my way into this new way. I can believe it. I can know it’s true.

My nervous system though? It’s still catching up.

This is the part nobody talks about. You can do all the inner work. You can trace your patterns back to their origin. You can identify the new way you want to be. You can write affirmations. You can speak them out loud every day. This is all mental.

The body needs something different. It needs to feel safe. So I’m slowing my breath. Noticing my body bracing and softening it. Telling myself over and over: I am safe now. Tapping into the parasympathetic nervous system through breathwork. I’m learning to relax into a nervous system that believes what my mind already knows.

This is the next level of work.

It’s cyclical, not fixed

I think a lot of us expect transformation to work like this: one moment of awareness, one breakthrough, and then you’re different. You’re fixed. Done.

That’s not how it works.

The actual work is recognizing the old pattern. Seeing where it came from. Choosing a new way. Telling your nervous system over and over that it’s safe. And then when the old pattern shows up again (and it will)—recognizing it again. Choosing again. Returning again.

It’s cyclical. It’s the actual rhythm of real change.

Each time you choose the new way, you’re strengthening it. You’re building a new neural pathway. You’re teaching your body something different.

This is why the work is lifelong. Because we are human. And humans return to themselves again and again.

What I know now

I know that my truth is safe now. I know that taking up space isn’t selfish. I know that being celebrated isn’t something to feel guilty about.

I know all of this.

And I’m also still in the process of my nervous system believing it.

Both things are true.

So when Saturday comes and people show up to my book signing, I’m going to have that note with me: I feel good that people are going to come support me. I’m going to feel into it. I’m going to notice if the old whisper comes, and I’m going to choose the new way. And every single time I choose it—every time I notice the old and choose the new—my body learns something new.

You are safe now

The truth that wasn’t safe at that dinner table is safe now.

Your truth has always been safe. It was just you—trying to protect yourself by making yourself smaller.

Now you’re learning a new way. The way of taking up space. Of being celebrated. Of receiving without guilt. Of knowing that your presence matters.

This is self-loyalty.

And every time we choose it—even when the old way whispers—we’re teaching our nervous system something new: This is who I am now.

Let that settle in your body. Not just your mind, but your body.

Return to yourself when you need to. Again and again.